Dungeon Keeper review (iOS / Universal)February 1, 2014
10 word description: Dig, devise, dominate. It’s good to be bad in Dungeon Keeper. [App store description]
10 word review: The worst incarnation of IAP I have ever seen. Ever.
You will like this if you enjoy: WAITING. Or just forking over hundreds of pounds so you don’t have to wait……………………… to play a game that really isn’t that good.
The good news: It’s called Dungeon Keeper. Scratch that, that’s the worst thing about this complete ****ing travesty.
The bad news: It is castrated, crippled, bogged down and utterly destroyed by the pay-to-play IAPs and the way the entire soul-destroying process of enduring this godawful farce is geared to emptying your wallet all over your iPad screen on a regular basis. It’s truly disappointing to see a great name from video game history associated with yet another heartless attempt to milk impatient players for all they’re worth.
Arcadelife verdict: First of all, anyone who pays real money in order to speed up clearing one block at a bastard time from the screen is a total idiot. I thought I’d give this game a chance, but the real reason I downloaded it was to find out if it was anywhere near as bad as all the honest independent reviews I have read say it is. It is. It’s terrible. It takes the original game and twists it into a pathetic, player-hating con.
I played through the tutorial, which seems to exist purely to show you that you need to use gems in order to bypass timers, and within only minutes I was up against a single block of generic terrain that had a one day timer on it. That means a whole day before the single tile is cleared by your digging minion. Or you could hand over 249 gems to clear it instantly. 500 gems cost 3 quid, by the way. One tile, £1.50 to clear it. Or wait a day. One tile. One ****ing tile.
Or you could spend those 500 gems (£3 in real money) on a minion with a few special powers who lasts for 7 days.
This is just shit. Download it so that you can leave a scathing 1 star review on the app store and then uninstall it. I’ll tell you what, if you do that and then email me a screenshot of your abusive, anti-EA review, I’ll gift my top 3 favourite abusive reviews with any game you want off the app store, up to and including XCOM. Seriously, and UK app store only I’m afraid. Because that would be fun. Much more fun than playing this titanic piss-take.