Welcome to the Arcadelife Awards for March 2011. This month, the awards are being co-hosted by Charlie Sheen¹ and Kim Kardashian².
To give you a bit of an explanation about how the award nominations work, any game that was reviewed by Arcadelife in March (that’s reviewed in March, not released in March) will be entered into any applicable category where it has at least some chance of winning. As all the games reviewed in March were for iPod/iPhone or iPad, this is pretty much an award show exclusively for games on those platforms. Exciting stuff, I’m sure you’ll agree!
Without wasting any more time, let’s hand over to the two hosts for a brief introduction:
"Welcome to the awards. I bet you can't guess what I end up doing when I play videogames. Winning, that's what."
"I'm just so proud to be here! I think videogames are cool and I also want to be a Bond girl."
Ok, that’s great. Thanks Charlie, thanks Kim. We’ll be hearing some more from them later but, for now, let’s get on with the awards show. I’m very pleased to announce that several of the nominees have been able to join us here this evening; let’s hope they can make it as far as the microphone later to deliver some acceptance speeches³, if they’re lucky enough to win an award!
The first category is Best implementation of a retro style and the nominees, in no particular order, are:
Air Supply – 1bit Run
Robot wants Kitty
I’ll just hand over the mic to Kim Kardashian so that she can open the envelope and reveal the winner…
KK: *giggles* “I’m just opening the envelope, and the winner is …”
CS: “As if anyone could.”
I’ve checked the result and I can confirm that in that hotly contested category, the winner was indeed Forget-Me-Not. I’m sure they’ll be arguing about that long after the pubs shut tonight. Well done to Nyarlu Labs for picking up the first award of the night! Unfortunately, Brandon from Nyarlu has been unable to make it to the show and has asked for a ‘pretend celebrity’ to accept the award on his behalf. I don’t know what he means by a pretend celebrity, but here’s the very real⁴ Henry Rollins to accept the award for him:
Congratulations, Nyarlu Labs. A speech, huh? Ok. Remember this: "I've always seen it as the role of an artist to drag his inside out, give the audience all you've got. Writers, actors, singers, all good artists do the same. It isn't supposed to be easy."
Thanks, Henry, that was great! The next category is very interesting, Best clone, port or re-imagining. There are only two nominees up for this one.
Operation Wow HD
Speedball 2 Evolution
Over to Charlie Sheen for the announcement.
CS: “I don’t have a tuxedo that fits anymore because my chest and my biceps are too big. Operation Wow. Winning.”
KK: “That trophy is really shiny!”
CS: *drops microphone and wanders backstage*
Thanks Charlie. I think the winner there was Operation wow HD. Well done, Ivanovich Games; make sure you polish that trophy regularly. Ah, I see Ivan from Ivanovich Games making his way towards the stage, acceptance speech at the ready. Over to you, Ivan…
Ivanovich Games: “We would like to thank Arcadelife.co.uk for giving us this award. Our main goal at Ivanovich Games is to keep customers happy with our products and we are proud to see we are accomplishing this with Operation Wow.”
Thanks, Ivanovich Games, nice speech. No crying and no babbling about the incredibly hard life of a game developer! Excellent! Next up, a category I know you’re all going to love: Best sport, gambling or pinball game. The nominees are:
Roulette for iPad
War Pinball (HD)
Hmmm… Kim Kardashian is supposed to present this award but Charlie appears to have a problem with that because one of the nominated games,War Pinball, features two tables based on movies in which he was the star. Over to Kim and Charlie; let’s hope it remains civil…
KK: “Charlie, please, if I could just have the envelope…”
CS: “I think my passion is misinterpreted as anger sometimes.”
CS: “Kim, you don’t need to open the envelope. Platoon. Navy Seals. Winning.”
KK: “Like, wow. You know the winner already!”
CS: “There have to be more important things going on in the world than my past.”
And there you have it, the winner is War Pinball, specifically the HD version because it’s bigger. Unfortunately there’s nobody here to accept the award so I think Charlie is going to just take it away with him. Yeah, that seems to be what’s happening.
Moving on to the next category, and that’s Most innovative use of touch control. There’s only one nominee in this category, Slice HD, so we don’t really need anyone opening an envelope…….. However, as Kim missed out on the last presentation…
KK: *opening envelope* “Ooh, this is exciting!”
CS: “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. If at first you succeed, then what?”
KK: “Oh wow, Slice HD won!”
Thanks Kim. Nobody has shown up to accept the award, and we have plenty of spare ones, so I don’t see anyone objecting to me giving Kim Kardashian one.
Next, it’s the Best strategy or tycoon game award. We had to combine these genres because we didn’t have enough of either of those types of games to review in March. The nominees are:
Fruit Juice Tycoon 2
Over to Charlie Sheen to open the envelope. Charlie…
CS: “Fame is empowering. My mistake was that I thought I would instinctively know how to handle it. But there’s no manual, no training course.”
KK: “Charlie, you’re so deep. Can we open the envelope now?”
CS: “You’re either in my corner, or you’re with the trolls.”
KK *opens envelope* “Yay!”
CS: “Starfall HD. Winning.”
Thank you, Charlie. Thank you, Kim. Sadly, once again, there’s nobody here to accept the award, just like a proper award show! Ah, ok, I was wondering when this category was going to show up. <call from offstage – dress change Ms Kardashian>. I’ll just give Kim a few seconds to change into the appropriate outfit and then we’ll announce the winner of the next category: Most gratuitous use of a bikini in a videogame. The nominees are as follows:
Ah, here’s Kim Kardashian, appropriately attired in a bright red bikini. Over to you, Kim.
This is NOT Kim Kardashian in a red bikini. This is a character from Operation Wow.
KK: “I’m glad it’s so hot under these studio lights, this bikini is totally tiny!”
CS: “I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen.”
KK: *opens envelope* “Oh wow, like Operation Wow won another award! Wow.”
CS: “Here’s the good news. If I realize that I’m insane, then I’m okay with it.”
Well, there you have it. Operation Wow won another award! Maybe not quite the award they were hoping for, but that’s show-biz. Personally, I don’t blame them for not coming up to make another speech because that award is obviously a joke and not at all in keeping with the pompous, po-faced spirit of this awards show.
Next, a slightly more serious category, Most remarkable graphics (for whatever reason). At least we have more than two nominees for this award:
Air Supply – 1bit Run
It’s Charlie’s turn with the envelope. Let’s see what he has to say about these games…
CS: “I’m dealing with fools and trolls and soft targets. It’s just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee. I don’t have time for these clowns.”
KK: “This is easily the most surreal night of my life.”
CS: “I am opening the envelope. I am taking out the piece of paper. I am reading the name…”
KK: “When do I change out of this bikini?”
CS: “Air Supply 1bit Run. Duh! Winning!”
Outstanding! Great news there for Quantum Sheep – minimalist monochrome graphics beat huge photorealistic knife blades and pinball tables covered with seafood any day of the week! This award ceremony is really warming up now, and I’m not just talking about bikinis. Hmmm… it appears that although Quantum Sheep is in attendance and has a speech prepared, he is currently out in the car park listening to some Pink Floyd on Jeff Minter’s car stereo. Well, in the totally unexpected event that Air Supply wins another award, maybe he’ll pop back in and do a speech for that one.
Next, a huge category with a mammoth … two nominees … again. This time, we’re looking for the Best puzzle game and the nominees are…
Land-a Panda HD
Kim Kardashian has the envelope for this one. Over to you, Kim.
KK: “I’m so pleased Air Supply won an award. Hopefully the night’s not over yet for Spaceman Sam. Do you think he’s still single?”
CS: “We’re on the next category. Please open the envelope.”
KK: *giggles* “Of course, silly me. I forgot. Here we go…”
CS: “Land-a Panda. You know what, Kim; life all comes down to a few moments. This is one of them.”
Well it’s great to see Charlie and Kim getting on so well and it’s also great to see Land-a Panda HD winning the best puzzle award. Good job, Big Pixel, shame you couldn’t be here tonight to wallow in the glory. Before we announce the winner of the final category, here’s a brief musical interlude – Motorhead playing Ace of Spades…
Whoa, that was very loud! And now, that brings us to the final category, the ultimate accolade, the award we like to call Arcadelife’s Favourite Game From Last Month. The technical explanation for this category is the game that was played most after the review had been posted. There’s no opinion here, no guesswork, just the total amount of time I kept playing a game after reviewing it. The most-played nominees are:
Air Supply – 1bit Run
Land-a Panda HD
I’m not sure where Charlie has gone, so it’s over to Kim Kardashian to announce the winner, and the game Arcadelife played the most in March 2011…
KK: “This is SO exciting! Where’s the envelope?”
<offstage> CS: “The only thing I’m addicted to is winning.”
KK: “Charlie! Have you got the envelope?”
<offstage> CS: “What you come to discover is, it isn’t how you get there, it’s that you get there.”
KK: “I think that’s a clue. I think he’s giving us clues about who won!”
<offstage> CS: “My success rate is 100 percent.”
KK: “I knew it! Air Supply has won! Yay! Go Spaceman Sam!”
<offstage> CS: “Goodnight, Kim.”
KK: “Goodnight, Charlie. See you on Twitter.”
Amazing. In amongst all that I got the distinct impression that the final award, the BIG ONE if you will, was nabbed by Air Supply 1bit Run! Congratulations, Quantum Sheep, you took more minutes from my life in March than any other developer. Ah, here comes Quantum Sheep now, acceptance speech clutched in his hand. Let’s hope it’s not quite as long as his Arcadelife interview, eh readers!
Quantum Sheep: “Thanks to ArcadeLife for your support, and thanks to all the major sites for believing in me when everyone else did!”
Ah, that was great! Short, too. And on that note, thanks again to Charlie Sheen and Kim Kardashian and goodnight from me. See you all at next month’s award show!
Full list of winning winners:
Best implementation of a retro style – Forget-Me-Not
Best clone, port or re-imagining – Operation Wow HD
Best sport, gambling or pinball game – War Pinball HD
Most innovative use of touch control – Slice HD
Best strategy or tycoon game – Starfall HD
Most gratuitous use of a bikini in a videogame – Operation Wow HD
Most remarkable graphics (for whatever reason) – Air Supply – 1bit Run
Best puzzle game – Land-a Panda HD
Arcadelife’s Favourite Game From Last Month (March) – Air Supply – 1bit Run
Don’t forget, winners, – you can now legitimately refer to your game as “Award winning” – because it is! Congratulations.
¹ – Charlie Sheen was played by one of his stunt doubles from Hot Shots Part Deux . Many of the CS quotes used in this award show were genuine quotes from the real Charlie Sheen, or at least as genuine as you can get when using Google.
² – Kim Kardashian was played by me in a wig. Hardly anything said by KK in this blog entry was ever actually said by the real Kim Kardashian. Probably.
³ – Any acceptance speeches attributed directly to developers or publishers of games were genuinely supplied to Arcadelife by those people. And we are very grateful for their participation. Where a ‘pretend celebrity’ made a speech on behalf of someone else, the quote used was all or partially a genuine quote from that person, although not originally made with any reference to this blog.
4 By ‘very real’ I meant ‘pretend’. Henry Rollins is great, and he looks a bit like me. He won’t mind this at all. Hopefully.
No offence is intended by this blog entry. If you, your family, friends or pets find anything here that upsets you, please can I refer you to some other website or maybe a nice book and a cup of tea. As Banksy says, copyright is for losers. Please feel free to copy, re-use, distribute and otherwise promote as much of this stuff as you like.